Are we good listeners?

I’ve been thinking a lot about listening recently, even more than usual. And how often we just assume we’re “good listeners” simply because we’re paying attention.

Thanks to the brilliant team at 100th Monkey, I’ve been learning about the concept of Adaptive Listening, which goes beyond the classic idea of active listening and invites us to flex how we listen depending on what the other person actually needs from us in that moment.

Maegan Stephens and Nicole Lowenbraun, authors of Adaptive Listening: How to Cultivate Trust and Traction at Work, argue that effective listening means adjusting our approach based on the speaker’s needs, not our habits. Workplaces are full of interruptions, shifting priorities, and different communication styles, so one listening mode rarely fits all situations. Their model focuses on four listening goals – support, advance, immerse and discern – and four corresponding listening styles. Most of us naturally default to one, but the untapped potential power we have here lies in noticing what the moment calls for and shifting accordingly. As a coach, that adaptability is foundational to my work, yet it’s still such a valuable reminder: stay curious, and be intentional about how you show up for the person in front of you.

In every relationship, and especially in leadership, how we listen shapes how people feel, how they show up, and how much they trust us. The SAID (Support, Advance, Immerse, Discern) model breaks listening into four core approaches. Support is all about offering empathy, validation, and emotional safety. Advance is about helping someone gain clarity, explore options, and see a way forward. Immerse creates spacious, open listening that allows someone to express themselves fully and uncover deeper meaning. And Discern brings sharper thinking, challenge, and evaluation to help refine ideas and test assumptions. Each has its place, but they only work when they match what the other person needs.

That’s where things can start to fall down – not because we aren’t listening, but because we’re listening in the wrong way. One of the most common mismatches is when we jump straight into solutions and action when the other person first needs support or space to process. Another is when we offer empathy and reflection, but the person actually wanted help moving forward and leaves the conversation feeling heard but still stuck. And sometimes we create space for someone to talk and explore, when what they really needed was a bit of challenge to sharpen their thinking. None of these mismatches are intentional, but they do have an impact: people can walk away feeling unseen, frustrated, or no clearer than when they arrived.

The real skill is tuning in to what the moment requires. Sometimes we can get that knowledge from what’s being said, and just as often from what isn’t. Hesitations, pauses, tone, body language… they all offer clues. And occasionally the simplest way is to ask directly: “What do you need from me here?” or “What are you hoping to get out of this conversation?”

Keeping a few questions in own your mind helps too: What’s the emotional context? What outcome is the other person hoping for? And what role do they need me to play right now?

The truth is we’ll often use more than one style in a single conversation, shifting as the other person’s needs become clearer. That’s what intentional listening looks like. When we do it well, people feel heard and understood, they gain clarity, and conversations become genuinely productive. It builds trust, strengthens relationships, and helps everyone move forward with more confidence.

If you’re interested in developing your leadership and communications skills, drop me a message.